Where There's Smoke
by meltina
Summary: It all started as a simple plan to help a friend quit smoking. Nothing's ever that simple, though.


  


**Where There's Smoke...**  


  
**Obligatory Disclaimer:** All characters are properties of Nintendo. So don't sue!   
**Author Notes:** Hi again. ^_^ This was inspired after watching an episode of one of my favorite shows and then stripping the floor at work (although it has nothing to do with floors).  Please let me know what ya think of this and please refrain from flaming me; I know a lot of people do not like Captain Falcon, but I do. A lot.  
  
  


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"FALCON…PUNCH!!"  
  
The timing on Captain Falcon's fully-charged signature move couldn't have been more perfect. Just as the soles of Yoshi's bright red boots met the moving and hovering platform of the Mute City stage, the reptile was met with powerful knuckles engulfed in flames.  
  
**Yoshi eliminated!**  
  
Captain Falcon smirked in response to the cheers from the Super Smash Brothers Melee tournament audience. He would have posed and maybe even blown a few kisses to some female fans, but there were more pressing matters: the bout was not over. He looked ahead and saw that the last surviving member of the opposing team was Pikachu. The striped yellow rodent-like creature had managed to trip its much larger opponent, Captain Falcon's partner.  
  
_Dang it Samus_, he thought while gritting his teeth, _didn't I tell you to watch your back!?_  
  
A quick glance to the gargantuan scoreboard in the distance of the city revealed that both Pikachu and Samus had 103% of their health depleted already. Captain Falcon wasn't in a good spot himself; he was barely standing with his 96%. One good move or one bad mistake on either team and the match could be over…  
  
Things began to look especially grim for the Bounty Hunter Team when the smoke of the Falcon Punch flames cleared and Samus was revealed to be clinging for dear life on one of the inert overhead platforms. In a manner of seconds, the platforms will diffuse and she could plunge to the ongoing F-Zero racetrack below them and get slaughtered by the super-speed vehicles. Severely.  
  
Captain Falcon could not allow this.  
  
Swiftly, he made his way over to the Pokémon looming over his partner.   
  
"Shit!" he cursed when he saw that Pikachu was steadying a Homerun Bat, conveniently placed on the battlegrounds by the tournament committee. Captain Falcon had less time to react now. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Vaulting into the air with all of the remaining energy and strength he had, the legendary racer engulfed an extended leg with flames and descended upon the unsuspecting Pikachu with his infamous…  
  
"FALCON KICK!!"  
  
The house Pokémon never knew what hit it. He was going…going…gone!  
  
**Pikachu eliminated!**  
  
"Upsy daisy, Sam." Ignoring all potential refusals from his female partner, Captain Falcon hefted her up onto the platform with an iron grip.  
  
_Just in the nick of time._  
  
**GAME!!**  
  
It didn't take long for the teleporting pods to appear on the stage---an actual holographic rendition of Mute City---to take the victors back to Hal Laboratory Headquarters. It took an even shorter amount of time for them to be instantaneously warped to the entry station.   
  
Seeing as how the audience stadium was built around the station itself, the tournament committee always allowed the victors of the matches a few moments for their admiring public before heading inside. Although she was very tired and very sore, Samus nevertheless jovially posed for the spectators. The crowds erupted in loud cheers and applause. It relieved her some.   
  
She turned to face her partner. "Hey, Falcon, I wanna th---"  
  
He wasn't there.  
  
**Where'd he run off to!?**  
  
Peering through the emerald colored lenses of her helmet's visor, Samus saw Captain Falcon relaxing in the shade of the announcer's tower with a cigarette. A lit cigarette.  
  
Samus' good mood vaporized. She snarled and marched right on up to the F-Zero racer and once she reached him, she furiously plucked the cigarette away from him.  
  
"Hey! What gives!?" Captain Falcon looked at the thrown cig as if it were a part of his essence.  
  
"How can you leave in the middle of an ovation to go put a nail in the coffin!?"  
  
"A nail in the wha---?" And here Captain Falcon thought he knew all of a smoker's jargon…  
  
He could hear Samus growl beneath her helmet. "I'm talking about the smoke, crap-for-brains!" she snapped.  
  
"Aw c'mon! I didn't have one since before the match started," the man said with a helpless pout. "I was gonna die if I didn't get a smoke in! 'Sides, we win all the time so it's no big deal if I skip out on one chance to gloat for a smoke break…"  
  
Samus stomped her foot, angrily, startling him. "I'd be okay with the idea if it was just this one time… But you've done this *three* times already! Three times! And it's not just about gloating!"  
  
Captain Falcon was in the middle of fishing through his pockets for something to light the cigarette held between his lips with. "It's not…?"  
  
"No! It's not! Don---Rrrggh!!! Forget it!" The female bounty hunter removed her helmet to allow her partner a glimpse of an extremely livid expression. She didn't need to yell at him; her countenance said it all.   
  
Affected tremendously by the look and overcome with guilt because of it, Captain Falcon attempted to apologize to her but she wouldn't hear it. He could only stand flabbergasted as Samus coldly marched off, without a word.  
  
He slapped the heel of his hand against his own helmet, admonishingly. "Edan Falcon," he mumbled to himself, "sometimes, you can be the biggest idiot you'll ever know."  
  
  
  
  
  
The majority of the afternoon went by without any events of extreme interest. Some matches took place, none of which were worth writing home about---at least Samus Aran thought so. She figured she would have been more enthused for her friend Fox McCloud's match if Captain Falcon hadn't tainted her good mood earlier on.   
  
Just thinking about his total disregard for his health and his childlike addiction to nicotine made her steam. She frowned and winced when she inadvertently tied her sneaker laces too tight. The preparation for the so-called relaxing run she planned to have was anything but so far, and things weren't looking to improve. All because of him. _I don't see why he acts as if nothing is wrong with it… And when he comes up with some illness or something, he's going to whine to---who else?---*me* about it!_  
  
Sighing exasperatedly, Samus checked herself in the mirror and began to exit her private hotel room. When she swung open the door, she nearly had a heart attack.  
  
Captain Falcon was right there, poised to knock, with a plastic in his hand labeled "Nintendo Pharmacy." The F-Zero racer's trademarked helmet (which he wore practically everywhere) prevented others from seeing most of his facial expressions…but Samus, a helmet-donner herself, could tell he was surprised.  
  
"Hey," he said, not knowing what else to utter.  
  
"Hey…"  
  
The situation's description *screamed* awkward.  
  
"I, uh, just wanted to say that… I'm sorry about earlier," Captain Falcon said. Samus nodded faintly, avoiding eye contact.   
  
"Here…" He reached into the bag he carried and took out a half-gallon vat of ice cream and handed it to her. Her eyes lit up when she read the familiar Baskin Robbins label. "Pralines 'n Cream. Your favorite," he finished.  
  
"Thank you," she murmured.  
  
"Also," he added, lifting the bag up demonstratively. "I'm thinking about quitting…"  
  
"Are you serious?"  
  
"As a heart attack. Look." Captain Falcon widened the bag's opening to reveal its contents. Several boxes of nicotine prevention aids were within: nicotine and spearmint gums, nicotine patches, and artificial cigarettes…  
  
"That's great! Really. It is. I'm proud of you, Edan…"  
  
There was no doubt about it: the usually caustic (toward Captain Falcon, anyway) Samus was being sincere. It struck Captain Falcon like a slap to the face the instant she referred to him by his first name, rather than his title. Nevertheless, it was all good.  
  
He grinned some. "Yeah. So…"  
  
"So…?"  
  
"…I'm going to need your help on this, Sam."  
  
Samus was incredibly impressed. Not only was the proud Captain Falcon eager to drop a bad habit, but he actually admitted to needing help! She couldn't resist someone willing to change for the better. "Of course I'll help you."  
  
The grin Captain Falcon wore changed into a smile. "Great!"  
  
"I'm going out for a run now. Wanna join me? Maybe we could go over some methods and stuff like that."  
  
Captain Falcon had a knack for running and an even bigger knack for wanting to be around Samus; he couldn't afford to pass such an offer up. "Sure! Just let me get changed, grab a smoke, and I'll---"   
  
He paused when he noticed Samus shaking her head. "…What?" he asked, self-conscious.  
  
"No smoking, remember?"  
  
Captain Falcon groaned. Smoking cold turkey was going to be *tough*.  
  
  
  
  
  
Samus enlisted the help of her friends, the Princesses Peach and Zelda, to ease the ever-growing burden of ridding Captain Falcon of his addiction to nicotine. Even then, that wasn't enough.   
  
Captain Falcon chewed up his entire supply of gum within a day; he had placed about four nicotine patches on his person before he realized that was a safety hazard and damn near had a heart attack; and his once positive attitude took a turn for the worse. He grew crankier with each passing moment and realized being around the three ladies was only prolonging his bad mood and increasing his urge to smoke a cigarette.  
  
Therefore, Captain Falcon decided spending time with his male friends would be more relaxing…  
  
"NO! LET ME GO! LET ME GO!!!" A hollering Captain Falcon clutched the arm of a recliner and attempted to pull himself free from the mob restraining him. "UNHAND ME, HEATHENS!!!"  
  
The mob consisted of six of Captain Falcon's friends, fellow participants in the Super Smash Brothers tournament: Marth, the Prince of Altea, gripped the Captain's left arm; Roy, a young man from Pharae, gripped his right; Link and Young Link, heroes from Zelda's native Hyrule, held a leg respectively; Ness, a boy with psychic powers from Onett, had a good hold of his neck; and Mario, the Nintendo icon hailing from Brooklyn, New York, had his arms wrapped tightly about the man's torso.  
  
Despite having him in a hold that would immobilize the average man, the mob had tremendous difficulty keeping him from escaping their grip to sprint toward the door. Captain Falcon could be strong when he wanted to be.  
  
"C'mon, Captain! You can beat the need to smoke!" Mario managed to say.  
  
"Yeah man! Just relax!" Link exclaimed.  
  
"Don't do it!" Marth chimed in.  
  
Roy grinned and decided to complete the wonderful song Marth and Link set up. "When you wanna go do---"  
  
"SHUT UP, ROY!"   
  
The redhead winced. "Sorry…"  
  
"You don't understand," said Captain Falcon, who had managed to move a step forward *with* the mob clinging to his muscular frame, "I *need* this cigarette! I'll smoke a Misty! A Virginia Slim! ANYTHING!"  
  
"No!" Ness pleaded. "The cigarette needs you more than you need it!"  
  
The others agreed with their "uh-huh's."  
  
"Let me go!" Captain Falcon paused when he came to the conclusion: they were not going to let him go. Well, he was just going to have to make them, come Hell or high water. And he knew *just* the plan… "Damn it you guys! I want to get a hold of a *fag* as soon as possible!"  
  
The color drained from the faces of Link and Mario. Without so much as a second thought, they released Captain Falcon and stepped back several feet away from him. Inwardly, Captain Falcon smiled. The two heaviest members of the restraining mob just happened to be ignorant of the British definition for "fag": cigarette. _What they don't know won't hurt 'em…_  
  
Marth, Roy, Young Link, and Ness remained. He'd still have a hard time escaping with those four attached to him… Captain Falcon feigned a gasp as he gaped out of the nearest window. "Oh my God! Is that Ayumi Tachibana outside!? …! -Gasp!- It's windy and man oh man, her skirt is blowin' SKY HIGH!"  
  
"WHERE!?!?!" Marth and Roy stopped what they were doing and zipped over to the window, practically throwing themselves through it to get a good look at the supposed situation Ayumi Tachibana was in.  
  
_Heh heh…_ It was easier than pie for Captain Falcon to shake off Ness and Young Link. Afterwards, he made a dash through the threshold.  
  
And nearly ran into Princess Peach right outside of it.  
  
He skidded to a stop just before her and stared at her. _Why oh why did she have to show up *now*, just when I was going to smoke a quick one!?_ "Um, hi…Peach," he croaked.  
  
"Hi there, Captain Falcon!" she sang in her insanely high-pitched voice. "And just where do you think you're going? Hmmmmmmm?"  
  
"I…uh…" Think Falcon, think! "I was going to the video rental place…"  
  
"Oh, that's fine. I can walk with you there. I need to have a chat with you anyway."  
  
"NO! You can't go!!!"  
  
Peach blinked. "What do you mean I can't go? It's just a video store."  
  
"No, I mean," Captain Falcon tried to find some rational alibi, "I'm going to rent a movie you're not supposed to know of…"  
  
"And what movie is this?"  
  
"…Debbie Does Dallas?"  
  
"Oh don't be ridiculous, Captain Falcon. Mario and I have seen that and all of its sequels plenty of times. It is not that big of a deal."  
  
Without explanation, Captain Falcon felt sick just thinking about that. And in the distance somewhere, Mario found himself sneezing strongly, for no apparent reason.  
  
Captain Falcon realized he couldn't get out of this one. He had no choice but to give up this chance for a smoke. He sighed. "Nevermind that, then. What's up, Peachy?"  
  
Peach smiled a bright smile and handed him a tape player which he took with a puzzled expression. "Oh you shouldn't have, Peach," he said, "but I already have the 8-Track Fox gave me for my birthday and---"  
  
"No, no, this is to help you quit smoking."  
  
"Come again?"  
  
"Samus was telling me that you're still having trouble smoking cold turkey and that she wants to help you out but can't figure an effective way," Peach began to explain, "so I told her about these motivational tapes I use."  
  
Captain Falcon peered at the tape player in his hands; an eyebrow rose behind the shadowy visor of his helmet. "Motivational tapes?"  
  
"Mmhm. They sort of work like hypnosis. You listen to one while you sleep and when you wake up in the morning: presto! I use them for my own purposes and they work really well. I happened to find one for quitting smoking for you," Peach murmured with a nod.  
  
That sounded about easy to Captain Falcon. It sure as heck beat chewing disgusting gum and wearing a useless patch. What did he have to lose? "Alright. I'll listen to it while I sleep tonight. Thanks, Peachy."  
  
"No problem!" Peach smiled and went about her merry way.  
  
  
  
  
  
That night, following his pre-sleep ritual set of 100 push-ups and 100 sit-ups, Captain Falcon prepared to turn in for a well-deserved rest. After he cut the lights out to his room and slid into his king-sized bed, he pressed "Play" on the tape player on his nightstand and allowed the Sandman to take over him.  
  
As Captain Edan Falcon slept like a log, the tape player began to work its magic:  
  
"You are a strong and independent yet feminine woman…"  
  
  
  
  
  


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**A/N:**  Edan Falcon is a name I made up; it is not Captain Falcon's official name, which is, as far as I know, unknown. Kinda useless info: Edan is a Celtic/Gaelic name for a male meaning, 'fiery.' So, ergo, his full name means "Fiery Falcon." Kinda suits him, doncha think? ^_^  
  
**No flames please.  
**  
Please let me know your thoughts on this in either a review or e-mail:  
mature@fanfiction.net  -  lulublackmagic@yahoo.com  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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